May 09, 2007
The Managing Director
ENVIRONMENTAL MANAGEMENT AUTHORITY
5 Elizabeth Street
Re: HIGHWAY IMPROVEMENT PROJECT
CEC Application No 235H/2007
My subordinate, the Chief Tormentor, has passed to me your letter of May 03, 2007. I will try to respond to your
questions, even though I consider some of them to be quite inappropriate. For convenience, the headings and the numbers
of my answers correspond to those of your questions.
A GENERAL INFORMATION
1 We do not have a Certificate of Registration as a Company from the Registrar of Companies of the Republic
of Trinidad and Tobago. Even though you may think your country is "hell on earth" right now, our substantive operation
is not in Trinidad - much less Tobago.
2 When your Citizens are ready to leave your country, some of them automatically find themselves
at the start of our access highway (the way this is done is beyond your comprehension). The Highway transports the appropriate
ones to our facilities, where they take up very long-term residence.
3 Many, many centuries ago, our operation was cast out of its original location. Our present
location is technically the property of the Old One, since He claims to have created it (along with everywhere else).
However, He hasn’t tried to exercise any rights of ownership at our location since we have been here, so we claim squatter’s
With regard to a Certificate of Comfort from the Land Settlement Agency, please be assured that we don’t do "comfort"
4 We are unconcerned about Springs, Aquifers, Rivers, Streams, Ponds, Reservoirs and Wetlands because
our operations are fire-based operation. These operations are greatly enhanced by drought and thirst. Water in any form
is therefore unwelcome here, so we keep it out (we have even refused a request to have a few drops of water placed on the
tongue of one of our guests).
B DESCRIPTION OF INTENDED ACTIVITY
5 Our highway starts in your world and ends in our realm. It does
not have a "length" in any sense that you are capable of understanding (many of the world’s greatest theologians and
philosophers have tried to estimate this distance without success).
There are presently 6 lanes toward our facility, and we need to increase that to 10 lanes.
There are not now any lanes leading from our facility, and none are proposed. Nobody ever leaves our facility.
6 See Item 4, above.
Site Preparation and Construction Phase
7 At present, it is generally accepted by all experts that our highway
is paved with good intentions. We know of no way to recycle or reuse good intentions.
8 The Odours which we produce are sulphurous, emanating from the burning
of brimstone (the President of Venezuela attested to this at a recent speech to the United Nations).
Having provided that information, we must question your jurisdiction in this matter. Even
the Old One, who arrogantly claims jurisdiction over All Creation, does not try to dictate our in-house operations.
Surely your own arrogance does not exceed His!
9 The Noise experienced along this highway is the weeping and gnashing
of teeth by those who traverse it. This is a natural (some say inevitable) reaction, and we do not use any form of amplification.
We consider such noise to be a Religious Activity, which we understand to be exempt under the Noise Pollution Control Rules.
10 We have no wish to make a secret of our operations. We want them
openly broadcast, especially among pompous and sanctimonious persons in your country (and if the cap fits, please feel free
to wear it).
I hope this letter fully and accurately responds to yours of May 03, 2007. We therefore look
forward to your prompt issue of the CEC for this critically-needed Highway Widening Project.
Lucifer, Brightest Star of the Morning